Funniest moment of my life?

The other day someone asked me “What is the funniest moment of your life?” and my mind went into a flashback and I realized something very embarrassing. All the so called “funniest moments” of my life were related to poop, potty! Yes, you read it right. Like right now, many of you are feeling gross just because I mentioned potty, imagine being in life situations which make you lose faith in life and destiny.

Amongst all the memories that flashed in front of me, I will try to put the best ones here in chronological order. So, when I was a toddler, the universe was like “Oh, ye ladki, dekho kitni chup chup, kitni cute, iski life ki embarrassments ab shuru karte hai”

One fine day, I a toddler had pooped on the floor, without telling anyone about it. I was such a quiet child that at times I was left alone to play at times. Being an artist since the day I was born, I used all ways possible to be creative even when I was barely two. One of our neighbour aunties visited us and happened to spot a toffee chocolate on the floor. She picked it up and ran to my grandmother who had picked me up,

“Oh, look there was a chocolate on the floor, she left her chocolate on the floor”

My grandmother looked at it for a second, looked at the aunty and started laughing,

“Throw it away, she has pooped, it’s not chocolate, we never gate any chocolate”

This happened years ago, and even today when I meet this aunty, she tells me

“Yaad hai chocolate utha li thi maine” and I can’t do anything but laugh because I have no memory of this entire scenario other than my grandmother and aunty laughing.

This is just one of the poop stories that I have been a part of my life. Later when I was in second standard, one poor boy pooped in his school shorts. The entire class was laughing and so was I. The poor guy was probably scarred for life, it was years back so all the teacher did was have him washed up and dried his pants on the window, while he stood at the end of the class facing the wall. Obviously, his bum had become a laughing stock for everyone.

“Shame, shame, shame” everyone giggled. It was probably this day that I got so scared of this public embarrassment that my stomach decided that “Main ye toh nai karunga tere saath behen”.

The next in line is this college exam that I was supposed to write peacefully and with concentration. Overnight studies wrecked my system and it was only when I was writing my paper that my stomach decided to take a rollercoaster ride. “Pressure ana” kisko bolte hai ye exam likhte waqt potty anewale ko pucho. The problem is you cannot leave the class just like that, you have to take permission from the teacher to go to the toilet and the teacher looks at you with suspicion because she thinks “ye chit leke ayi hai”. And I didn’t want anyone to know I had to shit while writing a paper, because while we all shit, we show like we don’t, it’s just a dirty secret. After a few minutes of awfully attempting to make the potty go away, I had to finally give up all shame and visit the washroom. And like luck would have it, my classroom was at the end of the passage, there were four classrooms writing exams. As I kept walking, friends from different classrooms smiled and raised their eyebrows. After the exam, everyone was asking me,

“Tu exam ke time kidhar bhag rahi thi” and all I could say was “Kuch nahi, kuch nai emergency tha!”.

Emergency, like really!

And when I am talking about potty, how can I forget “Sulabh Sauchalays”. I never knew two rupees can be so important in life. I mean really, imagine you are travelling and have no money on you, you won’t be allowed to poop because the people that sit outside these sulabh sauchalays are super serius about their jobs. No matter how stinky the toilets inside are and no matter how much you gag the moment you go inside, you have to pay before you can enter. Zindagi se kuch nikalne ke liye bhi paise lagte hai, ye sulabh saulachay se jyada koi jagah aapko nai sikha sakti. This is when I had just starting working alongside my college. And throughout my life, the one lesson I have learnt is “Pressure kabhi bhi aa sakta hai, aur kitna bhi aa sakta hai”, including local train mein!

I remember I got down from the train before my destination station and where did I get down? I got down at Dadar station. Now anyone who has ever been to Dadar station knows that it is Mumbai’s very own Kumbh Mela. There are millions of people running around with huge bags everywhere around. During our college days, a girl from Bangalore who had never been to Mumbai before, started crying when she landed at Dadar station for the first time, thinking there was some terrorist attack and that is why people were running.

Now back to our shitty conversation. Yes, I have pooped at a Sulabh Sauchalay at Dadar station, no embarrassment in that, we all have some time or the other in our lives. The embarrassment was something different. In my defence when I went inside, there was no one sitting outside to collect the entry fee. So, when I walked out, I completely forgot I had to look around if someone was sitting to take the money. I walked out and walked away, after a minute I overlooked a man running towards me and shouting “Madam, madam”, I stopped walking.

He stopped just behind me and said, “Madam aapne toilet use kia, paisa nahi dia”, and no he wasn’t whispering, he was announcing it. Everyone around me stopped walking for a moment, I just took out a two-rupee coin and handed it to him. I knew I had given free entertainment to many people going to work that day, that was the only silver lining. My best friend still teases me “Tu bhaag gayi thi potty karke na”, such is life!

There are many such stories, but these were the funniest ones. I hope you have a non shitty day and don’t forget to tell me your potty stories.